Just the Way You Are Page 8

Shagun sighed and grimaced. She kept wondered at the desperation of the man she was married to. She loved this man. But such twisted tales seemed to belong to a different person altogether. If this story had been told to her by her husband, she perhaps would never have believed him. Even at the cost of jeopardizing their relationship. But this diary was not only proof but a written validation by the very person she was reading about. For some reason she felt betrayed. More so regarding her lack of knowledge and ignorance at how a person could have a completely different soul, a soul that never reflected in his outward being. She still believed in Sameer. She still had faith in his love for her and perhaps he no longer was the person he was years back when she had not met him. But the little details about Sameer she had picked up from his diary made her uncomfortable and slowly ate away at her faith, opening up a sliver of doubt.

  II

  8

  THE DAYS IN OFFICE NOW no longer spent on brooding on mindless heartache, I bolstered myself up, realizing it was high time to be a man. I understood that there was no point in chasing false dreams. Dad’s words, his expectations, and how I completed his world came back to me and the more I thought of the future, the clearer my goal became to me. What exactly would I gain by running behind futile things? It was time to let go and start life anew and with full vigour.

  Those days, I did not end up going anywhere. Neither in a search for love nor for the search of a helping hand to support me and raise my sinking heart. I became almost indifferent to all pains and despair. My only motive was to clear the MBA entrance. After a month I went and joined an institute that would give me a better overview of things that I needed to look after in order to clear my CAT. There I met a number of other aspirants. Looking at them and their lives, I was not only inspired, their very presence in my life made me feel that I had just done the right thing by quitting meaninglessly chasing after girls. My days and nights were equal. I stopped calling anyone to ask for help. One day, Gaurav called me up. He was worried that I may have done something to myself.

  ‘Hey man, where have you been?’ he snapped. ‘I was thinking about you, and getting a bit worked up.’

  ‘I’m just fine, Gaurav. There is nothing to be worried about,’ I tried to sound relaxed.

  ‘See Sameer, I know you well. We have known each other for a very long time now. You mustn’t be stressed about things which you have no control over.’ He carried on, ‘But you must understand that you have full control on what you can make happen. I would still hold by my words, that the cards do not say anything concrete. The future is only a reflection of your present.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do, Gaurav. I fooled around a lot. Now, I know my goals perfectly. It is the MBA and nothing else …’

  He interrupted me suddenly. He took great joy in this habit of interruption but I always found the interruptions to be thought-provoking.

  ‘Tell me one thing, have you heard of the story where Rama tried to hit the target with his arrow and ended up failing every time until Shiva whispered something in his ear?’

  ‘No, actually,’ I sighed.

  ‘Ram once tried to hit the target with his arrow. But each time he focused on the arrow, he failed to have it hit the given dot. He grew frustrated and was wondering that even after having tried so hard, what exactly was the reason he couldn’t. Just when he was contemplating, Shiva appeared. He said something in his ears and this time Ram could make his shot in one single go. Do you know what he said?’

  ‘Mhhmm.’

  ‘Think that the arrow has already hit the target. You only need to see it happening. Think that you have cleared it and you are already in your dream seat. You only need to see the course of the future changing in front of your eyes.’

  I suddenly felt enlightened. I thanked him.

  ‘Thanks so much, Gaurav! I know exactly what I need to do now.’

  He smiled and asked me to let him know once I cleared the CAT. Such was his belief in me.

  Next month, I went and gave the exam. As Gaurav said, I kept on reminding myself that this exam was only a projection of the fact that I have already cleared it. In the course of events, I had not only cleared it but was sitting where I wanted. I prepared nine papers and sent them to the best economics journals worldwide, I played my heart out and made good friends, if not on the personal front, at least on the professional front. I was almost compulsive with the idea of performance and nothing else could creep into my mind and heart. Love was at bay for those two years. Time ran its mill faster than my eyes and ears could perceive. The world, for me, was a giant block of numbers and determinants. I needed to be the best and that was all I knew. I did not even realize how the two years went by and how I found myself sitting for an interview for one of ATC’s best jobs.

  I called up Dad to tell him about the placements. But I had been carried away with a surge of emotion. I did want to tell Dad but it skipped me. His hopes for my success and his words were heavy in my heart. I felt elated and all my heartache washed away. I wanted to see his face when I gave him the news. I had to tell him that I had been placed in the company and that my office location was decided. I had been going there now and my first salary was due in a few days. I decided to call up home, assuming that these days Dad must be at home. He did say he would be, the other day.

  ‘Hello.’ My mother answered after five rings.

  I remained silent.

  ‘Hello, hello,’ she continued to speak.

  I tried to disconnect, but I heard her faint voice questioning me despairingly. For a moment I trembled, willing myself to say a word, but then thought the better of it.

  ‘Why don’t you talk to me? What I have done to you? You never talk to me.’

  I could hold it no longer and disconnected the phone.

  I waited for a few more minutes and dialled back again. After two rings, she again picked up the phone.

  As I heard her voice, I chose to remain silent again. Without waiting, I wanted to disconnect the call again. I was getting irritated and thought of calling Dad on his cell phone. But just then she said, ‘Wait, your dad is here. Talk to him.’

  ‘Hello.’ It was Dad.

  ‘Hello,’ I said.

  ‘Why don’t you talk to your mom? Now you are grown up. Does such kind of behaviour suit you, beta? So you won’t talk to her. What happened between two of you again?’ he said a reprimanding tone.

  I interrupted him. ‘Dad, I don’t want to get into this. We have already discussed this several times. I have called to inform you that I have been placed. I had forgotten that day to tell you about my office but it’s been quite some time since I joined and my first salary is due next week,’ I said excitedly, ignoring the other things.

  ‘That’s really very good. How come you forgot to inform me the other day? By the way, which company was it? You said you were called byATC, isn’t it so?’

  ‘Yes, yes. ATC. It’s a good company. The package they have offered is also very decent.’

  ‘Oh. That’s nice.’

  ‘Yes. By the way, my convocation is mid next month. I would like you to come this time. You couldn’t make while I was in my engineering days. In fact, I too didn’t attend the convocation. So this time, when everything is alright, please come.’

  ‘Hmm. I will have to check if I can get leave. The elections are round the corner. So they have become quite strict. But still, I will try my best. If I come, I would like to bring your mom as well. Should I?’ he asked.

  ‘I don’t want to hear any excuse. This work, that work. I also know how the government works. You have to come,’ I protested.

  ‘Should I bring your mom as well?’ he again asked the question that I avoided purposefully.

  ‘I don’t know. It’s up to you.’

  ‘I have a better idea. Why don’t you give this news to her yourself?’

  ‘Because I don’t want to.’

  ‘She will feel good if you tell her personally. Also, invite her for the convoc
ation. I am giving the phone to her.’

  ‘No. I don’t want to do anything. You can tell her this news.’ But I didn’t hear any sound. Probably he had already given the phone to her.

  ‘Why can’t you tell me? I am not your enemy?’ She had heard me.

  ‘Nothing.’ And I disconnected the phone.

  These kinds of small conflicts kept on occurring and I avoided them as much as possible. My not wanting to speak with Mom wasn’t out of malice but was my way of running away from the situation. It took me to the time when things became ugly but I had, by now, left it to time to heal everything. Things that are to be improved will improve by themselves. I already had a lot of other things to think about and this could definitely be tackled later.

  Just after completing my MBA, I decided to go home for two months. The placements were set and the company had given me the offer letter. I was due to join in July. They had not informed me of the exact date but I had calculated that it would perhaps be mid-July. By then I had known that I would be working in the Delhi office. I was elated and thought of a short vacation at home. I didn’t know when I would get time to come next. I had also not seen Dad for quite some time.

  It was noon when I finally reached the railway station with my luggage—two trolley bags and one shoulder bag. It was hectic shifting base. And I never liked it. The problem was that that I always had two to three extra bags. Every time I went somewhere I ended up carrying more and more bags. It was because I carried all my books and every month more and more books were added to the existing pile. I loved reading and books were my only respite. That night journey back home, however, did not give me any respite. It, in fact, turned out to be disastrous. Hoping to bump into some good-looking chicks, I had booked second-AC tickets. My fate had usually brought plump, crying babies onto my lap and all around me, and their bulging mothers, falling apart like cheese. This time I hoped for a change but no, my luck was not meant to be written in the heavens. All I could see around were children of various ages, babies crying louder than banshees, splitting my ears and bones. There was an aunty-ji in her fifties in the name of females. But I could hear giggles and roars of laughter coming from another compartment. Damn it! Why did this happen to me every time? My ill-gotten luck had backfired once again and I couldn’t sleep the entire night.

  Dad wasn’t in town. He had already left for a remote place in another part of the state because of his office work. I could never understand his work profile and what exactly he did. Whenever someone asked me what Dad’s profession was, I replied briefly that he was a state government employee.

  So I had to come alone from the station. I got into the auto after arguing about the payment with the driver for several minutes. The sun was high up in the sky and dust from some construction work nearby engulfed our house.

  I rang the doorbell. To my surprise, no one answered the door. I waited for a few moments and tried to hear if there were footsteps from the other side. Noting that there was no sound, I rang the bell again. There was still no response from the other side. I looked at the latch. It wasn’t locked from outside. I tried to check whether it was open or not but it was locked from the inside. I was baffled, and grew impatient and tense.

  I called Dad.

  ‘Hello.’ There was a lot of noise in the background.

  ‘Hello. Have you reached home?’ he shouted over the phone.

  ‘Yes. But no one is opening the door. Is everything fine?’ I said.

  ‘Why? Mom isn’t there or what?’

  ‘I don’t know where she is. I have rung the doorbell so many times and knocked at the door. Where is she?’

  ‘Where could she have gone? She was there when I left home early this morning and locked the door behind me.’

  ‘I don’t understand what’s happening. She is not responding. Should I try breaking down the door?’

  ‘No. Come on. Maybe she is sleeping.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Do this. Climb up onto the roof and check from the kitchen side. Possibly she would hear you and wake up.’

  I could sense worry in his voice now. But he hoped I would find a way.

  ‘Okay, I’ll do it. If there is still no response, I will break down the door.’

  ‘Okay.’

  I hurriedly disconnected the phone and ran towards the roof. I shouted several times from the kitchen side but there was no response. The whole neighbourhood had come to see what was happening. Ignoring them, I rushed back to the door and decided to break it.

  Before breaking it, I tried again. ‘Mom! Mom!’ but nobody answered it. It was after a long time that I was saying ‘Mom’. It felt unusual but I didn’t it pay much attention.

  I finally broke the door, and entered the house, calling, ‘Mom, Mom.’ No one answered. Sunlight filled the entire room. The temperature had risen dramatically. She wasn’t in the living room. The fan was still on. The TV was also switched on and the daily soaps were going on at full volume. It meant she must have been here in the last few hours. I checked everywhere but there was no sign of her. I was bewildered.

  The house was in a complete mess. There was a heap of trash on the kitchen floor. I shouted again, ‘Mom’ but there was, predictably, no answer. There was a deathly silence in the house. There was spilt milk on the kitchen slab and the gas was still on. The utensils had become coal black and smelled of burning milk. I turned off the gas and, as I did so, heard a faint sound from the balcony. I went towards it and saw her lying unconscious there, a bundle of dirty clothes clutched tightly in her hands. I rushed towards her and shouted again, ‘Mom.’

  I looked closely at her face. Her eyes were closed but looking at her, it appeared that she was struggling with all her might. Her lips were parted. I couldn’t figure out what had happened.

  ‘Mom,’ I said gently.

  She didn’t open her eyes.

  ‘Mom, Mom.’ I tried to shake her. I knelt in front of her but she still didn’t open her eyes.

  Without wasting any more time, I called Dad. He was extremely worried and said that he was leaving for home in the next hour. I also informed my brother and he said that he would come try and come as soon as he could, if not today then hopefully by tomorrow.

  My mind wasn’t working at all. I was worried and concerned about Mom. Looking at her gentle face, I forgot all the bitterness of our relationship. Whatever it was, she was my mother. I cradled her tortured face on my lap.

  She still hadn’t opened her eyes. I was in a tizzy. What should I do? Should I call the ambulance? Should I move her into the house first and sprinkle water on her face? Had anything hideously wrong happened to her or was it just a hot flash because of the terrible sun, that she had lost consciousness? So many thoughts raced through my head but I only ended up gazing down at Mom. It took me back to the time when I was a kid and I was the one who was cradled. I was the one who looked up into her face and felt secure in the comfort of having her arms around me.

  It had been several years that I had spent some good time with her. So it was difficult to see her face contorted. She was beautiful, my mother. I had spent several evenings with her telling me stories of how she had carried me from one house to the other while I was in her womb. Dad, back then, was struggling with his job and they had to change a number of houses because rents were going up. My brother was on the verge of completing his tenth grade and my mother had to look after him as well. It was a difficult period for her. Yet, back then, everything felt better when she told me that the joy of having a second child was even greater than the first and that, when she saw my face, all her pain and suffering left her. I felt all these memories coming back in a sharp daze, making me feel vulnerable.

  ‘Mom,’ I said. My heart pounded. But to my relief, she opened her eyes slowly and a smile spread across her face automatically, on seeing me. She appeared too weak to react to anything. She saw murmured my name and touched my face.

  Her face was dull and pale, and her cheeks looked hollow. She wa
s sick and I had kept myself away from her. I felt a deep pang of guilt and cursed myself for not having asked her even once how she was and if she needed anything. In fact, I hadn’t even talked to her, fretting over silly familial disputes. I shouldn’t have abandoned my mother like this. She seemed to have been sick a long time. She must have been suffering and no one was there to take care of her. She had tried countless times to reach out to me. She had almost pleaded with me to talk to her. It was I who had turned a deaf ear to her and her love. I could never understand her. The only thing I did was to ignore her. I thought, what possibly could have happened if I had talked to her once? Maybe this situation wouldn’t have ever come up in the first place. Why does a person breed bitterness inside just to make things worse? I was not the kind of person who would allow such darkness to fill up his heart, and that too against my mother. I had been seeking love, but when I couldn’t reciprocate properly to my mother’s love, how on earth would I find or, rather, understand love at all? I felt strangled with guilt and remorse. I felt a strange force tearing my heart into bits. I was in a cloud of regret and gloom and could no longer hold back my tears.

  Her eyes used to sparkle with her children around her. We were the stars and moons of her universe. Being young, it was in her eyes that we found comfort and the same eyes grew wise and red when we tended to break a rule or commit some nuisance. I could imagine her smiling at me when I told her how I had managed to get a seat in engineering. She couldn’t understand much, nor could she compliment me like Dad, but in her eyes I did see the hope and satisfaction that her son had done something good which was worth being proud of. Now I could see the same eyes sunken beneath greying wrinkles. Her lips were bloodless. Like dry stitches on a wound, they were chapped. I took her hand between my palms and rubbed it, as if trying to compensate for all my past lovelessness. I felt grown up at that moment, as if cradling a daughter and not my mother. My soul condensed and thickened, and I was unable to move. In the process of growing up from a boy to a man, I had forgotten that my parents too had grown old. I had assumed, and that too blindly, that she could never be the perfect mother. Maybe because I never let her understand me. I was always indifferent and didn’t bother to explain how I felt. I had acted in ways which were more than just imperfect. But I had to act soon. This wasn’t the right time to brood. I had called for an ambulance and waited for it to arrive.